I’ve mentioned that I didn’t seek for a psychologist until a decade after the episode, because, I needed an external help to pinpoint the problem to the recent event.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I’d be lying if I were to say that I didn’t try to seek help, back then.
Before the episode, I was already going insane. The brink of what was left of my sanity. The war in my head was tremendously too much to bear. It grew so loud, that I wish I could just destroy it to silence it.
My friends… somehow… were not there. My bf was giving me problems. Bff was gone. My mum… she thought that depression is a “sad phase” and I should just pray to God to get better. But in all, she was already upset with me due to other family problems (I’m the black sheep of the family).
I had no one to turn to. I was already a person who doesn’t open up, until I can trust them and that takes years to earn.
I couldn’t help myself, then, because I was bogged down with too many problems and I was drowning in the noises in my head, to be able to even step back and try to clear my thoughts.
Then… bam… the episode. My suicide attempt.
I was brought to the hospital and I remember being asleep… waking up once to see myself being ferried off somewhere. When I woke up, I was being questioned by a doctor on what had happened. I don’t remember what I replied.M
My parents came to visit me at night. My mum was crying, while asking me what I was thinking… trying to end my life. I wondered if she ever listened, because I had tried to reason with her and ask for help, many times before.
I explained, the best that I could. She understood… some parts of it… I suppose. She apologised and told me that she loved me. Made me promise not to do it again. But I’d like to say that she still doesn’t truly listen, after.
In the morning, a group of university students and a psychiatrist came to my bed. Introduced themselves and asked me the most mundane questions. For one, I hated the feeling of being a study subject, involuntarily. I was still mentally exhausted to fight and be given a choice not to be a guinea pig. So in order to end it quickly, I gave answers that they wanted to hear.
I mean… I’d probably know more than these students, even when I’m probably around their age. I was a deep thinker since I was 6 years old. I was already asking questions about life and understanding concepts about society, at a young age, on my own. I knew too much for my age, because of my curiosity. I know what people want to hear or rather do.
Note: I’m not lying or masking anything here, though. No reason to.
They left, probably feeling accomplished that I would leave, as a healed individual. Funny how the lead did not ask any further. It’s so obvious that people like me would’ve mastered at not showing my real feelings to just anyone. Many depressed individuals smile and laugh around others, but, is dying on the inside.
I was discharged on the same day, a few hours later.
A few weeks later, I had the urge to go into suicide mode again. My brain was overworking. I was going insane! This time around, I went to a government clinic and told the doctor that I needed a reference letter and book a psychiatrist, asap. There were 2 nurses in the room. While the doctor was busy checking on , left the room, the nurses started to joke and laugh about the topic of depression. I grew frustrated at them. I did not have the strength to say anything. I was dying inside. When the doctor came back, she said that it could be scheduled 3 weeks later, at the earliest. I was going to kill myself and you’re telling me that I have the luxury of waiting 3 weeks!!!??!
I was fed up. With the mocking of the nurses and the doctor that did nothing to help, further. I said to “forget about it” and left.
It was then, that I realised that relying on someone was a waste of whatever time I think I still have (at that time). I was so angry at so many people that I resolved to fix my own problem, on my own.
I do have fleeting suicide thoughts, once in a while, all throughout the years. It’ll last for less than a minute and it’ll disappear. I won’t be able to recall what I wanted to do, after.